The Fred Series:*serious voice*Corollary 1 OH-Wo'-So-Fred

[Delpen9]

"Fred... FRed... FrEd... FreD...." The name has become part of him. As the Fred, he has become the Fred, and forever shall be the Fred. Fred is the Fred that we all know and love... The Fred we sympathize with and hope to reach out to, but alas we can't; since he is SO FREAKIN' HUGE! Yes, Fred is the mutated Brachiosaurus that lingers in the background of Titanfall; being the essential ingredient for an epic story of......'Fredetism.' 

 

---------------

 

OH Wo' so Fred briskly scanting among the battlefield, hoping that his arthritis will let up. He sways his head to the right proceeding his tentacled whiskers. His w'entacle flicks the air with a little sass, giving enough force to incidentally kill a ladybug passing by. With his astounding visual acuity Fred watches the ladybug hit the ground. "Groan... groan me so OH Wo' me so." Fred attempted to calculate the terminal velocity of the declining ladybug, which managed to give him a headache. His aspirin pores had been clogged all day so he had no powdered supplement to cure his temporary ailment.

 

Fred is in a moment of dire distress. His flight-or-fight response kicks in. Should he fight the headache or run away? He chooses the prior. Fred inverts his entire body so he can attempt to bite his brain. His jaw bones expand like a snake's as he chomps. The brain slides in-and-out, in-and-out, in-and-out, but poor Fred can't seem to nip at his brain. His front tooth barely skims the occipital lobe of his brain. Fred closes his eyes in pleasant relief,"thank the messiah for my butt teeth." Fred opens his eyes; or atleast, he thinks he did. Fred can't see anymore!"Oh lordy me OH Me Wo O so Me, the ladybug has stolen my eyes out of revenge." "Why must I be cursed with these 'W'entacles'. Why do they insist on torturing Oh Wo So me? Oh Wody Wo so."

 

Little does Fred know those W'entacles were transplanted onto him from a donkey at birth. The evil scientist Dr. Amala-dagala-dingdang transplanted those tails as a prank on her father-in-law, Angus. Fred's pain is merely symbolism of man's pettiness towards each other; a pain undeserved and unneeded. 

 

Fred panicks, "*monotone* aaawwwweeeyyaaaahhhhaaaawwwweeeeyyaa," sprinting side-ways in a random direction,"awwwweeeyaaaahhaaaahaaaa!" A Titanfall ship notices that Fred is sprinting toward the Arena. Two stationed ship form a magnetic-loop rope connected to one another. Fred approaches. The ships lower to base level 76 o'niner to assure optimal trip-age. Fred arrives at the designated area for trip-age, but something occurs! Fred stops at the magnetic-loop rope. You see, he has an innate sense for jump-rope unlike any other of his species. (Oh yeah! I haven't told you his species! Well, hopefully Respawn can tell you that.)

 

Mysteriously... the wind blows allowing the magnetic-loop rope to rotate like a jump-rope. Fred sings,"Animal crackers in my soup, monkey and rabbits loop to loop." Fred swings back and forth in rhythm with the song.  Astonished, the crews on the ships take out their phones and begin uploading the video footage to youtube. The ships crash due to the lack of a pilot. Sadly do they know, there is no satellite reception on the planet, so their attempt to upload the footage to youtube was in vein. Their deaths were meaningless.... 

 

A taser latches onto Fred. The last thing he feels is 'neural synapses being delayed by an electrical overflow.' *HEADACHE* 

 

-----------

 

 

*Groan* Fred wakes up. The calm breeze gently rustles against his W'entacles. 

"H-He-Hello. You there. You hear me you c-co-colossal creature?"

"Oh Wo So me Wo. A hideous creature is within my vicinity."

"How do you know I'm hideous!!?"

"Oh Wo So so he really is hideous"

"I would like you to know that I am of the highest pedigree for my kind. I am gorgeous, and you-can't-see-me."

"So? I still have a nose. I can smell your hideo-cracy."

"You don't have a nose!"

"My woe-some intuition tells me you are hideous. ow wo so me" 

 

"Alright, so maybe I wont help you get your eyes."

"But I'll Wo O So if you leave me!"

"I take it that you want my help, though i doubt thatll keep you from 'woe-ing'. 

"Your right. I trust you because nothing can get much worse than this. My eyes, my beautiful eyes, they are gone. 

*The hideous creature holds in a laugh* 

"What?" Fred replies. 

"Oh, it's just that I laugh at my own taxonomy."

"O I may Wo for asking this but what do you mean?"

"I'm a ladyhopper. Many millenniums ago the great Grasshoppers and Ladybugs of lore mated to make the ladyhoppers. They were the most intellectually advanced species on the planet until the Titans came along. HEHEHEHE Ladyhoppers."

"I don't get why it's so funny? O Wo So Me. Why did I even ask?" 

 

 

 

 

Fred can be seen on the first video on this link(you dont even have to watch the video): http://www.ign.com/articles/2014/03/14/titanfall-dev-talks-new-titans-narrative-and-monster-dlc

Corollary 2 will be coming tomorrow.