Royal Blood, a story by me. Please Read.

[King of Winter]

So I'm writing my first chapter story. And I want some feedback on what people think about it. It is called "Royal Blood" and I have the first chapter published so far. It is found here:

 

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Lionel/1002277/

 

Please, please, please, please leave your thoughts down below in a post. I will appreciate it a lot. Anything is appreciated.

[Minuette]

I have to say you are very descriptive, and that's only reading the 1st and 2nd paragraph well done. I am also currently working on a story, but I lost the notebook and all my ideas vanished....

[VivaLebowski]

Read in full. With regards to your concept or your plot I can't really say how good or interesting it is considering I only know what is in the first chapter

 

That said, I can give you a few pointers with regards to the nitty gritty of the writing itself. The thing is, aside from basic grammatical and spelling errors much of the advice I'm gonna give you is subjective, to a certain degree, so you can take it or leave it. These are just examples of way you can improve the flow of what your writing, AKA "Prose style".

 

If you want a full complete edit, where I simply post what I think needs to be changed on every single sentence, let me know in this thread or a PM and I will PM it back to you with comments on every single thing that needs to be changed.

 

 

 

 

1) Theres a few sentences which don't make sense:

 

*"What came to be is something that I couldn’t have never imagined.". I think this should read "What came to be is something I could have never imagined." or "What came to be is something I couldn't have ever imagined." Couldn't never is redundant.

 

*Another sentence like this is "It was a steel, the handle being fool’s gold with her name carved into it, “Carolina”.". This should probably be "It was Steel," or "It was made of Steel", not it was a steel. You could, technically talk like that. I might say of a wrist watch, "It was a gold," for instance, but nontheless, this sentence forces the read to pause and put more thought into deciphering the sentence than he/she should, which is what you want to avoid. Remember, its just fine for the reader to have to make certain connections by themselves, or to figure out who is speaking or what exactly is happening based on the context. But you ALWAYS want to avoid them losing information in simply deciphering your sentence.

 

*"I yelled toward the direction which the boar ran away from." This should be "I yelled in the direction the boar ran". First off, you never yell toward a direction. I don't drive toward North. Once again, it sorta makes sense, but its bad word choice. Also, I'm assuming you meant the direction the boar is running in, not the direction its running from, since the narrator would be yelling at the boar.

 

 

 

2) Theres a few parts where better punctuation is needed. Remember that when the reader reads your material, the punctuation isnt just there for them to seperate stuff out in their mind, or to tell rather someone is angry or asking a question...the punctuation sets the tempo for how they read, kinda like a beat or a speed of reading, if you wanna think about it like that. They can still read and make sense of what your saying if this tempo is off, but reading becomes a chore if that tempo isn't there.

 

*For example, " Eventually I found a wild boar, the instant I saw it, I became stone-like. " This sentence makes perfect sense, but its more difficult to read beacuse its all one sentence. It becomes easier to read if its "Eventually I found a wild boar. The instant I saw it, I became stone-like." Notice I changed the first comma for a period, giving the reader a short but noticable pause which helps their brain better decipher the sentence.

 

3) Theres a few sentences which are just kinda hard to read, not beacuse they don't make sense as with #1, but beacuse they are just structured poorly.

 

*For example, "To be the son of a king my whole life and to suddenly know at the age of 16 never seemed possible." I know what you mean by this sentence, it just takes a few re readings to figure it out. Its unclear what your saying never seemed possible...was it, "being the son of a king never seemed possible" or was it "to suddenly know that never seemed possible". Beacuse you have an and there, its unclear what your identifying as "never seeming possible". I would suggest saying "To have been the son of a king my whole life, to have never known it, that seemed impossible. But I found out at 16" OR "To have been the son of a king my whole life and to have only found out at 16... It had never seemed possible." One thing about this sentence is that even though the narrator IS the son of a king in the present, so using the word be makes sense, its still better Prose style to use the past tense, been, beacuse the narrator is thinking about the past.

 

4) There are quite a few grammatical errors as well.

[King of Winter]

Read in full. With regards to your concept or your plot I can't really say how good or interesting it is considering I only know what is in the first chapter

 

That said, I can give you a few pointers with regards to the nitty gritty of the writing itself. The thing is, aside from basic grammatical and spelling errors much of the advice I'm gonna give you is subjective, to a certain degree, so you can take it or leave it. These are just examples of way you can improve the flow of what your writing, AKA "Prose style".

 

If you want a full complete edit, where I simply post what I think needs to be changed on every single sentence, let me know in this thread or a PM and I will PM it back to you with comments on every single thing that needs to be changed.

 

 

 

 

1) Theres a few sentences which don't make sense:

 

*"What came to be is something that I couldn’t have never imagined.". I think this should read "What came to be is something I could have never imagined." or "What came to be is something I couldn't have ever imagined." Couldn't never is redundant.

 

*Another sentence like this is "It was a steel, the handle being fool’s gold with her name carved into it, “Carolina”.". This should probably be "It was Steel," or "It was made of Steel", not it was a steel. You could, technically talk like that. I might say of a wrist watch, "It was a gold," for instance, but nontheless, this sentence forces the read to pause and put more thought into deciphering the sentence than he/she should, which is what you want to avoid. Remember, its just fine for the reader to have to make certain connections by themselves, or to figure out who is speaking or what exactly is happening based on the context. But you ALWAYS want to avoid them losing information in simply deciphering your sentence.

 

*"I yelled toward the direction which the boar ran away from." This should be "I yelled in the direction the boar ran". First off, you never yell toward a direction. I don't drive toward North. Once again, it sorta makes sense, but its bad word choice. Also, I'm assuming you meant the direction the boar is running in, not the direction its running from, since the narrator would be yelling at the boar.

 

 

 

2) Theres a few parts where better punctuation is needed. Remember that when the reader reads your material, the punctuation isnt just there for them to seperate stuff out in their mind, or to tell rather someone is angry or asking a question...the punctuation sets the tempo for how they read, kinda like a beat or a speed of reading, if you wanna think about it like that. They can still read and make sense of what your saying if this tempo is off, but reading becomes a chore if that tempo isn't there.

 

*For example, " Eventually I found a wild boar, the instant I saw it, I became stone-like. " This sentence makes perfect sense, but its more difficult to read beacuse its all one sentence. It becomes easier to read if its "Eventually I found a wild boar. The instant I saw it, I became stone-like." Notice I changed the first comma for a period, giving the reader a short but noticable pause which helps their brain better decipher the sentence.

 

3) Theres a few sentences which are just kinda hard to read, not beacuse they don't make sense as with #1, but beacuse they are just structured poorly.

 

*For example, "To be the son of a king my whole life and to suddenly know at the age of 16 never seemed possible." I know what you mean by this sentence, it just takes a few re readings to figure it out. Its unclear what your saying never seemed possible...was it, "being the son of a king never seemed possible" or was it "to suddenly know that never seemed possible". Beacuse you have an and there, its unclear what your identifying as "never seeming possible". I would suggest saying "To have been the son of a king my whole life, to have never known it, that seemed impossible. But I found out at 16" OR "To have been the son of a king my whole life and to have only found out at 16... It had never seemed possible." One thing about this sentence is that even though the narrator IS the son of a king in the present, so using the word be makes sense, its still better Prose style to use the past tense, been, beacuse the narrator is thinking about the past.

 

4) There are quite a few grammatical errors as well.

 

Thanks a lot for the feedback . It's very much appreciated. I will take all of this into thought when I write Chapter 2, and actually proofread for once haha