Star wars fan fiction: A Light in the Darkest of times

[Caboose The Ace]

My Star wars Fan fiction, A light in the Darkest of times ( Place holder name ) All in one place.

Chapter one is posted here now with Chapter two being posted within the next few days along with Chapter three and a few short stories. Enjoy.

 

Edit one

 

This thread will be updated over time with new stuff to read. ( Though it may not always be in order, if it is not in order I will make a note of in the Chapter )


Chapter one: Champions of the just

Smoke rose from the dark underbelly of Nar Shaddaa and travelled onto the already misty Docks. Lucas Ventar sat on the edge of the walkway and watched as the many ships entered and exited Nar Shaddaa and went off into the stars. He dreamed that one day he would be aboard one of those ships that were freely leaving Nar Shaddaa. But that dream was like all dreams, was just a dream. This dream was a possible reality, a possible reality that could possibly happen. He was then swiftly reminded of that. “Hey you! Refugee get off the Docks and get back to the Slum you live in.” Lucas looked up at the Iridonian Dock master who was angrily pointing to the exit backed by two of his Zabrak bodyguards. “You deaf? Get back before I throw you back!” “Yes Fazza.” Lucas grudgingly replied. “When I speak to one of you Refugees you address me as Sir, you should be lucky you even have work” Fazza shouted as Lucas walked towards the exit. “Yes, sir Fazza.” Lucas said as he left the Docks.
 

After travelling from the Docks for 15 standard minutes Lucas arrived at Refugee sector, kilo 617. After the large doors opened he was berated by several Gamorrean guards for arriving late from his work in the Docks. “Where you been scum?” One of the guards asked. “Working.” “Well you better work faster next time or we won’t let you in.” “Maybe we eat him?” another one suggested. “No, boss not like it.” The Guard commander replied back. “Well, maybe when he dead we eat him.” “I’m still here you know.” Lucas muttered under his breath as the Guards continued to talk amongst themselves. Lucas entered the main walled off compound of the Refugee sector; large metal shipping crates used as homes were dotted around with everyone including himself walking around in identical tattered Shirts, trousers and boots. Every one of the Refuges wore a large collar around their necks that had a tracking device and were linked up to an explosive detonator. A safeguard if a Refugee tried to escape. Guards were stationed at every exit and on the catwalks above. Not to protect, but to keep the Refuges inside.

“Lucas.” Lucas turned around to find his two friends, Derik and Cassie standing behind him. “How was it at the Docks?” Cassie asked. “Fazza made me change and match the transponder codes on several docking ships. Then I had to fix a landspeeder.” “You got off easy; I had to move heavy Machinery across the Cargo bay.” Derik chimed in. “Where’s Ben?” Lucas asked. “Listening to one of Geoff’s stories.” Derik replied. Lucas sighed for a moment. “I will go rescue him, from himself.” Lucas said. “Good luck with that.” Cassie shouted to Lucas as he went to find Ben. Geoff as expected was in middle of the Refugee compound, he was the Refugee sectors de facto leader. Aside from keeping up the spirits of Refugees he would also tell anyone who would listen about his apparently amazing time as a Pilot in the Republic navy. Though it was clear half his stories were not true and the other half over exaggerated. He also claimed to be somehow related to the legendary Republic admiral and pilot Carth onasi, though everyone doubted that claim.



“And I was there, cornered by a hundred Battle droids!” Geoff dramatically said to the few children who were sitting down listening to him. “What happened?” George inquired. “Suddenly out of the mist came a Blue blade made of pure Light, it was Jedi knight wielding a Lightsaber!” “Wow” All the children said in unison. “He then cut down all the Battle droids in half just with his Lightsaber!” “Ben” Lucas tamped Bens shoulder and made him look behind his shoulder. “What is it Lucas?” “Come on, let’s get out of here.” “No, sit down and listen this is a good story.” “Fine but after this we are playing Pazzak with Cassie and Derik.” “The Jedi snapped a Droid neck in half with his bare hands and leapt though the air at amazing speed.” “He crushed ten Battle droids, with the Force too!” Geoff added.


“The Force?” Lucas broke in. “Ah, good question Lucas.” “I asked the Jedi what the Force was after the fight, he explained that the Force is everything and is in everything. It makes up the Universe itself, Jedi can use it to leap and run at superhuman levels and even move objects without even touching them.” “Sounds confusing.” George concluded. “What are Jedi like?” Ben said. “Everything you would imagine them to be” Geoff began, “Vanquishers of evil and protectors of the innocent, champions of the just. They give their lives for the greater good; there is no better sacrifice than that!” “If they fight for us, the innocent, then would they ever come here?” Lucas asked Geoff. Geoff looked at Lucas and weighed his answer. “They have done in the past liberated Refugee sectors just like this one. So I would hope someday they do, Lucas.” “Hey Geoff didn’t you fight Jango Fett once?” George said as Lucas and Ben stood up and went to find Cassie and Derik.


Eventually the pair found Cassie and Derik in the large shipping crate. Cassie, Derik and Lucas shared already playing a game of Pazzak. “No fair Derik you cheated.” “Cheated? That wasn’t cheating that was pure skill.” “No I saw that Derik.” Cassie said as she angrily stood up. “You moved those two cards around.” Cassie said pointing to the exact cards. Derik looked at the cards then at Cassie, stunned. “But how, whenever I do that trick with anyone else they never notice.” “I don’t know how I just.” Cassie stopped for a moment to think. “I just don’t know how I did.” “Whatever it is, it’s creepy.” Ben chimed in as he and Lucas entered the large open shipping crate. “Shut up Ben” Cassie angrily said. “Yeah shut up Ben.” Derik said. “I say what I see.” Ben said, defending himself as he sat down. “Come on, let’s play.” Lucas requested. “No more magic, okay Cassie?” Derik said sarcastically. “Okay Derik, I won’t make you invisible with the flick of my wrist.” “I will shuffle the cards.” Lucas said as he picked up the multi-coloured dirty deck of Pazzak cards. “So what are we betting?” Ben asked. “Nothing, we have nothing.” Cassie remarked. “Hey Lucas, what about that picture of your mother….” Ben suggested but was quickly cut short. “No!” Lucas angrily shouted. “Ohhh hit a soft spot.” “Ben jeered. “I lost her to Visquis, they killed her before my eyes. The photo I have of her in my bag is the only thing I have to remember my family.” Lucas then walked out as he began to cry, dropping the Pazzak cards. Lucas emerged from the large crate and walked aimlessly around the compound until he eventually got tired and sat down against one of the walls that kept the Refuges boxed in.
 

He missed his mother deeply and just talking about her reopened those feelings he thought he had forgotten. In truth he had not gotten over his feelings of her murder when he was asked by Linda the closest thing the Refugees had to a Medic. She had asked him if he was okay, if he had gotten over her murder and he had said yes. But he was not okay, the memories would not fade no matter how far he tried to avoid and forget about them. He still remembered the day. She had finally given up, after living as a Refugee for only four years his Mother, Maria had decided she could stand no more. She and several other Refugees rebelled against the Overseer of Refugee sector kilo 617. Visquis was the name of that overseer, and a Quarren was his species. He was one of the many aspiring Crime lords on Nar Shaddaa. Nar Shaddaa was hardly a planet of order; it was ruled by several rival Crime lords. Every Crime lord that was not ruling was trying to kill the top Crime lords or getting up the Crime lord ranks by earning Credits and status so that one day they could be among them.


Visquis was one of the many aspiring Crime lords attempting to earn Credits and status though the exploiting if Refugees and making them perform cheap labour for his many contacts such as Fazza the Dock master. According to Geoff hundreds of years ago the Crime lords operated under a single leader but that leader was killed by a Female Jedi knight after the ruling Crime lord had tried to imprison her. With no leader left Nar Shaddaa quickly became a warzone. After seemingly endless years of fighting the remaining Crime lords agreed to stop and reformed the decaying Exchange into The Ninth Circle. From them onward the Crime lords operated under many leaders. In truth the fighting had not stopped, just the public part had, now the war for control of Nar Shaddaa was fought though Assassins not Mercenary armies.


He could still recall the same day when hired Thugs descended into the Refugee sector. The rebelling Refuges put up resistance put there were no match for the might of Visquis and his squads of hired Thugs sent to quell the Rebellion before it began in full. Some of the Refuges were executed as an example inside the Refugee sector while the other Refuges watched, while others were taken to Visquis himself. Maria was one of them. For day Lucas was left alone without her. Until eventually the Thugs returned and took him to join her. There he stood, being restrained by a bodyguard helplessly watching while Visquis executed her after days of torturing them both. Then he was left alone, his Mothers dead body in front of him.


“Lucas” Lucas heard a voice and stopped drowsing as the flood of bad memories finally stopped. Lucas looked up, it was Cassie. Her skin was white and her eyes were Green, complemented by her long blond hair. “Hey, Cassie” Lucas said as Cassie decided to sit beside him. “Are you alright? I have been looking for you all over” She asked, clearly concerned. “I don’t know” “You stormed out after Ben mentioned your Mother” “I” Lucas stopped and took a deep breath. “I don’t know, I just miss her” “So do I, I miss my Mother too sometimes” Cassie said. “No, but you never had her, I did” “I know that Lucas” “I just don’t see a way out for us” “Way out?” “I way out of this life” Lucas replied. “Geoff has been her for five, Linda for ten and Fred for twenty, how long for us? People are born here and die here you know Cassie?” “Don’t talk like that Lucas! Your six and I’m five, we have plenty of time” “But how are we supposed to get out?” “Help will come, eventually” “You say that with hesitation” Cassie sighed. “Geoff always talks about Jedi, maybe they will come and save us all” Lucas looked up to the stars as Night fell upon Nar Shaddaa. He then looked back as Cassie. “Maybe” Lucas said as he pulled himself up. “Come on, let’s get some rest” Cassie advised as she followed him.
 

 

Edited March 16, 2015 by Caboose The Ace

[rrhuntington]

"George said as Lucas..."

 

Hmmmm....

[Pbrabbit]

Loving the story so Far! Great writing!

[Melody]

Very interesting story! Keep it up.

[Caboose The Ace]

( Hope you all enjoy the new chapter )
 
 
Chapter 2: Chance encounters

Dawn finally broke over Nar Shaddaa. The Darkness of the sky disappeared, replaced by everlasting Light. “Lucas wake up” Lucas slowly awoke from his deep slumber to find Geoff crouching beside him. “Geoff….” Lucas rubbed his eyes, still woozy. “Ugh, what time is it?” “6am standard Galactic hours” Geoff replied. Lucas looked around Cassie and Derik were still sleeping on their makeshift Beds. “What do you want Geoff?” “Visquis wants to speak with you” Visquis, the name still sent shivers of hatred down Lucas spine. “That piece space vermin wants to see me now?” Lucas blurted out. “Lucas don’t talk like that” Geoff said as he lowered his voice. “His Guards could be listening. Now go and by the time you’ll be back it will be sunrise” “What passes for Sunrise around here” Lucas objected and got up off the thin sheet he had slept on. “Have hope Lucas, that things will get better.” Geoff said as he stood up. “I will try, so where am I going anyway?” Lucas said as he left the rusty crate he called home. “The south exit. Good Luck Lucas” Geoff added as Lucas walked off.

“You the Human Visquis is looking for?” One of the two Devaronian guards asked Lucas as he arrived at the south exit. “Yes” “Name” The other Devaronian said. “Lucas Ventar” “Yep the Human checks out” The first Devaronian guard then pulled out a Data pad and proceeded to type something into it. The second Devaronian then turned on his Comlink that was attached to the armour he wore on his wrist and spoke into it. “Package is secure, open the door Augasfali” “Passcode” Augasfali’s muffled voice emitted from the Comlink. The two Devaronian guards then looked at one another, clearly startled. “Um, what’s the passcode” The second confused Devaronian said. “I can’t say” “Why not?!” “Because you could be anyone, all Guards were issued individual passcodes to ensure no other Refugees escape” “Then what’s my passcode?” “Once again I’m sorry but I can’t say” “You will let me enter or I will bash down this door and rip your spine from you’re…” But the Devaronian guard was cut short. “My what? I’m the one controlling the door, you are not going to get inside without my say so” Lucas sat on the small box near the Devaronian’s as they continued to bicker. “Send a squad out and they will see that it is me!” “Name” The muffled voice requested. “Loxus Sadiph!” “Ah Loxus, why didn’t you say it was you, I would have opened the door straight away” “You, your dead when I get your hands on you Augasfali I will tear your body to pieces!” The first Devaronian angrily shouted. “Have a nice day” Augasfali replied as he dropped the Comlink call.

The large energy shielded door then slid open. “About time” The first Devaronian commented as he walked though. “Come on Human scum keep up!” The second Devaronian said as he followed the first. Getting off a small crate Lucas proceeded to follow the Devaronian’s into the dimly lit corridor. After walking though the seemingly endless corridors and stairways patrolled by Guards, occasionally passing closed doors Lucas and two Devaronian’s arrived at a large energy shielded door similar to the ones found around the Refugee sector. “Morr this is Loxus, we have the package” The second Devaronian said as he spoke into his Comlink. “You’re late the Boss won’t like that” Morr said his voice emitting from the Comlink. “Blame the slithery scum Augasfali” “Augasfali has always been vermin no idea why the Boss doesn’t have him executed, stand clear I’m opening the door now” Morr announced. The large door then opened and several heavily armed Guards walked out. The Devaronian’s walked into a room with a large table full of food inside. Groups of Guards and servants were sat around the table, the majority of the being hungry Gamorreans. The thought of food made Lucas even hungrier as he was taken through a maze of newly furnished corridors. Eventually he reached the end of the corridors and was taken into a room that was all too familiar.


This was the room where his mother had lost her life. He had not been in here since it had happened and now that he was back he was hating every second of it. “Ah Lucas you have arrived” Reluctantly raising his head Lucas could see Visquis sitting at the other end of his office behind a desk that overlooked the entire Refugee sector though a large energy shield protected window. “This is the Human scum you asked for” The second Devaronian pushed Lucas forward towards Visquis. “It is indeed” Visquis said. “Hm, how can you be sure this is the Human? all these Humans look the same” Morr captain of Visquis private guard said offhandedly as he entered the room and stood next to Visquis “No Morr this is the one, I can tell” “Sorry for questioning your judgment my master” Morr said, lowering his head in shame “No trouble” Visquis said waving Morr’s apology off. Getting off his chair, Visquis began to approach Lucas. “You have proven yourself quite capable you know Lucas, more so than most of those other Humans in that slime hole” Lucas continued to struggle to barely make eye contact as Visquis stopped in his tracks and began pacing back and forth across his office.

“You humans are my assets and I intend you use you as such, so I have a task for you. A ship full of Refugees recently docked at docking bay 28, one of Fazza’s docks. You know my particular business model Lucas, I offer Refugees housing in exchange for servitude, regardless if they want it or not” Visquis said narrowing his eyes, stopping his pacing Visquis now turned to face Lucas. “30 Refugees were registered on the ships manifest logs though only 29 are accounted for, one evaded my Guards shortly after landing, almost as if that particular Refugee knew that the Guards were waiting there.” Visquis walked to the large window that overlooked the entire Refugee sector as he continued to talk. “These Refugees are all I have, I am just an honest man, making honest Credits by offering honest work” “Real honest” Lucas sarcastically muttered in frustration. “What was that Lucas?” Visquis said as he turned instantly around. “You must understand that the business I run is like a game of Pazzak, I need that special number from that special card to win. Sadly I do not have that card it has escaped and run off so I need it back.”

Visquis clenched his fist as he walked back towards Lucas. “I can see you’re not paying attention” Lucas stepped back in fear only to hit a wall as Visquis approached him. “If word gets out about what I do here, my business will be compromised, and my supply of new slaves shall dwindle!” Visquis angrily admitted as he grabbed Lucas chin and pulled him closer. “So listen and maybe you will leave here alive” Visquis threatened. “Apologise now!” Viquis said as he let go of Lucas chin and stormed off towards his desk. “I’m sorry” Lucas apologised, though the made apology was not sincere. “To whom are you sorry? Speak up otherwise Morr will beat a name out of you!” “Sorry Visquis, my master” Lucas said, managing to stutter out an apology. “Get to know your place in this world Lucas, then and only then shall you be satisfied and realise how much I do for you.” Visquis said as he strolled back towards the large window that overlooked the Refugee sector. “Go meet one of my spies, codenamed Mythic he is a Bothan and one of the best in the business. He should be around the area outside the Cantina named Double Star, go there give him your name and he will help you find my missing Pazzak piece” Visquis looked back over his shoulder at Lucas, Lucas responded by giving a nod in acknowledgement. “Once you have found the Refugee report back to me. Now leave me” Visquis added pointed towards the exit as he continued to overlook the Refugee sector from his office. Nodding at Visquis once again Lucas walked to the offices exit. “And remember Lucas, that fancy collar you wear isn’t just for show” Visquis said continuing to overlook the Refugee sector as Lucas left.

Lucas left the Refugee sector after being escorted out by Morr and descended into the unwelcoming streets of Nar Shaddaa. Even though the Sun was beginning to rise, Lucas could see none of it through the thick Industrial smoke that covered the Sky in its entirety. Visquis had not given him directions to the Cantina, not like he needed them. He had lived here for around three years and during his time working for Visquis had gotten to know most of the Moons seedy underbelly. The Double Star Cantina was run by a Human named Bruenor Oldin who was rumoured to be connected to the Black Sun, a powerful Galaxy spanning crime syndicate. After cutting though alleyways and avoiding Gang territory Lucas arrived at the Double Star Cantina, its neon lights illuminating the whole area. Lucas looked around and sure enough a single Bothan was leaning against a Droid repair shop wall. Lucas looked at the Bothan as he drew closer the majority of his body was hidden behind a Black cloak with only part his face showing behind a Hood. “Mythic?” Lucas said, still curious if this was truly the Bothan spy he was looking for. “Lucas Ventar?” “That’s me?” “Visquis said you were coming follow me, though I was expecting someone taller” The Bothan who was now identified as Mythic pointed towards a thin alleyway between the Repair shop and the nearby weapons dealer. “You weren’t followed were you?” Mythic said as he cautiously looked around. “Not that I know of” Mythic sighed “Too bad, I was hoping for something definite” Mythic then leaned against a wall in the alleyway and signalled for Lucas to do the same. “Regardless I have located the Refugee” Mythic then took something out of his Robes pocket, a small handheld Holo projector. “Using the information gathered from the Refugees ships manifest and what I saw when I was tracking him I can show you what he looks like, reconstructed on the Holo projector” Flicking a switch on the Holo projector a blue image of a tiny man appeared before Lucas eyes. “I have estimated him to be thirty to forty years of age” “So if you have already found him why am I here?” “Visquis didn’t tell you about the added variable did he?” Lucas shook his head. “Ah that explains it, this Refugee is not only dangerous but could cause serious damage to all of Visquis’ operations” “Good” Lucas uttered. “But not good for me or you regardless, Visquis gives all you Food and Shelter, if he goes down so do you!” Mythic said.

 
“You still haven’t answered my question, what makes this Refugee so important?” Lucas asked as he studied the Holo reconstruction. The man was wearing a plain Tunic covered by armour on his Chest, wrist, shoulders and his back; parts of his Armour were also hidden by a large Robe that covered him from his shoulders to his Boots. “When Guards tried to restrain him and stop him from escaping the Docking bay he resisted them, so it got Violent to say the least” Mythic began. “But despite Five Guards armed with Stun Batons against a single Refugee seemingly armed with only his fists he managed to knock them all senseless. I saw the Security footage he was no normal Man. He managed to dodge their attacks with super Human speed. He then made counter attacks with incredible precision; those Guards were no match for him.” Mythic recollected as he deactivated the Holo projector. “He then evaded the remaining Guards and escaped into Nar Shaddaa, but that was not the last we had seen of him. Several days later he resurfaced by breaking into one of our facilities and stealing a full Data pad manifest of everyone who works for Visquis, including me. So that is what makes him so important, if this information went Public it will cripple all of Visquis’ operations!” “Now I understand” Lucas said. “Now you also know what to do, I believe that he still has the Manifest with him so I need you to find out and if he still has it take it back and report to me” Mythic said informing Lucas of his task.


“Why me, I thought you were the expert Spy?” Lucas complained. “Because Visquis treats you Refugees as expendable, I’m apparently too valuable to lose if caught stealing” “I am a person not a Pawn and we Refugees are not objects to be used in a Crime lords Dejarik game!” “I never said that was what I thought that’s what Visquis thinks, the guy who provides me with a job”.” Mythic stopped leaning and peered over the Alleyway corner. “Last time I saw the Refugee he was entering Double Star, the Cantina across the street and I think he is still there” “ So what I go there and look for that Refugee and steal a Data pad that may nor may not be there?” Lucas said questing Mythic’s plan. “Yes that was exactly what I was thinking” Mythic said looking back over his shoulder. “Remember Lucas this man is dangerous many of my brethren almost died helping me find this Refugee, don’t waste this chance stopping his plans” Mythic said confirming his plan. “Guess I have my work cut out for me” Lucas acknowledged as walked out the Alleyway and towards the Double star.

After waiting for some time in a line full of all kinds of disgruntled species from Amanin’s to Zeltron’s Lucas was allowed entry by the intimidating Bouncer. Walking inside Lucas looked around the place looked exactly as he remembered, a Hive of Scum and Villainy. In one corner Humans and Twileks’s were playing a game of Sabbac. In another a Group of Gand were clearly consuming too much Spice. “You want to buy a carton of Death sticks?” Lucas looked behind himself at the scrawny Devaronian who was clutching a small bag. “What do you take me for?” “The kind of person who could make use of my, merchandise” The Devaronian said putting extra emphasis on the Merchandise part as he opened his bag. Several Cartons of Death sticks were poorly packed inside. “No” Lucas said flatly. “Fine, fine suit yourself” The Devaronian walked off. “You are missing out you know?” The Devaronian uttered. “I suppose I don’t want to die early” Lucas muttered as the Devaronian walked off pursuing other patrons to try and sell his Death sticks. Continuing to scan the poorly lit Cantina Lucas attempted to locate the Refugee but to no avail. Nobody matched the description, body armour concealed by long robes. Groaning, Lucas walked up to the Cantinas counter and took up a stool.

Lucas looked at his own reflection at a small Mirror on a shelf behind the Counter. Chocolate Brown hair, Blue eyes and White skin, a normal Human male of Nar Shaddaa. When he was around three or four his Mother, Maria used to tell him that he was Special. That he was no normal Human and he would go on to do great things. Though even now he didn’t know what made him so special or even what he would go onto do. “Hey, why the long face?” Lucas stopped focusing on his reflection and looked at Neo. “Lucas, why the long face?” Neo, the Bartender asked again. “Oh, nothing just thinking” “You here for anything particular, like I don’t know, a job for Visquis?” Neo said sarcastically. “How’d you guess?” Lucas said, playing along. “Let’s call it a lucky guess” Neo said as he grabbed a dirty glass on the counter and started to clean it with a wash towel. “There is a Refugee Visquis is looking for, he wears large robes that cover him from head to toe and also has concealed body armour underneath those robes.” Lucas told Neo. “Do you have name to go by?” Neo asked as he continued to wash the glass. “No nothing, only looks” “Now that you mention it I did see someone like that come inside” Lucas’s face beamed. “Where, when?” He said in near excitement, he didn’t want to go back to Visquis empty handed. “Normally I would charge for this kind of stuff, but since Visquis happens to be one of my Bosses biggest clients I will give you this for free. You see that guy over there?” Neo said pointing to a corner of the Cantina. Lucas turned his head to see who Neo was pointing to; a Human male of around twenty to thirty years of age was sitting alone around a circular table drinking a glass of Juma juice.

That person looks like who I saw on the Hologram “Lucas commented. “Would not be surprised if he was some sort of serial killer” Neo said. Lucas turned his head back to look at Neo. “Serial killer?” “Yep he could possibly be that as he seems to have knack for avoiding people such as yourself. Wearing Robes are pretty strange outfit to wear on this Moon; you were looking for the Robes not the person himself. He ditched clothing that makes him stand out for something more discreet” Lucas scratched his head still confused. “But how did you know he was the man I was looking for?” “Because I keep track of all my customers and he is certainly not a regular” “Thanks for all the help Neo” Lucas said as he got off the stool and his feet touched solid ground once more. “No problem Lucas” Neo said.











 

Edited March 25, 2015 by Caboose The Ace

[Bossguy]

amazing just amazing 

[Fishy]

 

That about sums it up. 

 

 

Good job Caboose. Time well spent.

[BaconShelf]

You really need to work on paragraphing. New character speaking is always starting a new line, preferably tabbed in, too.

 

New subject, same again.

 

Also, the speech doesn't sound natural when read aloud. It sounds forced and artificial.

 

Use commas, semi colons and hyphens too; having everything as a simple sentence reads pretty bad and makes te work look like it's written by a five year old. Instead of;

 

"The hologram appeared. X turned around." Have "The hologram appeared, X turned around"

 

Joining sentences does a lot to improve writing.

 

At the end of speech, don't put a full stop before the closing speech marks (IE "Hi." He said)

 

Instead it would be "Hi" he said.

 

Split speech up; instead if having 4 sentences in one, split it up. "The thing happened here earlier", said George, looking around before continuing "and it was pretty cool." Reads a lot better than some of the blocks of text.

The main thing is the blocks of text- everything reads badly because it's difficult to read and looks awful.

Edited April 12, 2015 by BaconShelf

[Caboose The Ace]

Okay here is a little sneak peak of what is to come ( Till whenever I post the next chapter )


“The Yinchorri will not stand down Chancellor you must understand” Senator Palpatine pleaded.

 

“I am aware of that, but I am sure through negotiations we can assure this does not end in violence” Valorum said assuring.

 

“I agree I don’t want this to become a repeat of the Stark Hyperspace war, nobody does, but I can only foresee this will end with violence”

 

“The Russan reformation must be upheld, what would happen if the Senate approved the Military creation act and we sent the newly formed army to Yinchorr, violence would be all we accomplished” Valorum uttered as he turned his chair to overlook Coruscant.

 

“I am not saying we approve the creation act, far from it I just don’t think the Yinchorri are looking to negotiate” Palpatine said.

 

Valorum was silent for a moment as he collected his thoughts. “I don’t know, I can feel my hands losing their grip over the events happening around me, when I became Chancellor I thought I would be the one people remembered in history, the one who changed it all and ended the Senate corruption and indecisiveness"

 

“You are doing all you can”

 

“I know but what I’m doing isn’t enough, maybe we do need a new Supreme Chancellor after all, maybe I just don’t have it anymore”

 

Palpatine checked his watch for a moment. “Excuse me Chancellor I must leave urgently”

 

“No problem Palpatine” Valorum said as he turned his chair back around and stood up.

 

“Nice seeing you again Chancellor” Palpatine remarked as he and Chancellor shook hands.

 

Valorum sat back down on his seat and pressed one of the buttons built into his desk. “Send the Jedi in” Valorum ordered into the intercom as Palpatine headed for the door.

[Pbrabbit]

Loving this sneak peak! Can't wait for more!