The Peak Of Intrigue Book ONE

[MJTOWER]

11

The

Kureca

“Major Drazzo to Commander Dormian, come in.”

“Go ahead Major. What has your team found?”

“Looks to be some sort of ruins… maybe a temple or a shrine of sorts. We’re moving into the structure now, over.”

“Confirmed, over. Radio in if you need backup, we’ve got three fast-movers on standby in case things get messy. Radio silence unless absolutely necessary from this point forward. Dormian out.” The radio then went silent, except for a minor static which can usually be heard over these radio frequencies.

“Private Borius, you’ve got point. Move up, go, go, go!” the Major ordered as the private led the team into the seemingly long-abandoned temple.

The team moved in almost dead silence as they began searching the place for any evidence of recent Klorbinean presence. The Klorbineans, despite their outstanding combat abilities, were rather sloppy when it came to leaving a small footprint behind. They were perhaps even easier to track than a Kleptroniol rebel squad. And they were rather professionalized considering their being rebels.

“Major, look over there!” one of the marines whispered as the team came across a rather… messy hallway. It was littered with dead Klorbineans and blood was splattered up the walls and god knows where else.

“Damn! What happened in here?” the Team weapons specialist said in hysteria.

“Man, this doesn’t look good… what do you think took these things out?” Private Juhecca inquired.

“Friendly fire?” Sergeant Jameson replied uncertainly.

“Unlikely. Klorbineans aren’t supposed to have rebels from our Intel.” Major Drazzo responded.

“Well, our intel could be wrong?”

“Doubt it. We may not know much about these aliens, but we do know they are ALL loyal to some Tyrant. They seem to think he’s some sort of god or something.”

“As if. Only one god I know of, and he is up in heaven.” One of the more religious marines said.

“Yeah, and besides, it doesn’t look like a Klorbinean could have done all… this…” he gestured to the mangled and defaced bodies lying scattered in pieces all over the hallway.

“Damn… looks like a battalion almost.” The team sniper said, kicking one of the dead Klorbineans lightly with his food, as if to check if it was really dead.

From somewhere down the hallway in a distant part of the temple, they heard a strange loud screeching noise. The whole team was put on full alert by this, making the hairs on their necks stand on end.

“I don’t like the sound of that…” the weapons specialist said in an almost worried voice.

“Yeah, I think we should call for backup…” the sniper said.

“No, we can handle whatever… this… is.” The Major said, gesturing to the dead bodies lying everywhere.

“Ok, tight formation. Watch each other’s backs. Private, you’ve still got point.” the major said, gesturing for him to lead them forward.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” the Private said skeptically.

“Boy, you’ve always got a bad feeling about something. You had a bad feeling getting on the damn dropship yesterday!” the Major said.

The Private turned the corner hesitantly, only to find himself face-to-face with a Klorbinean. It was dead and hanging by its torso from the ceiling by some sort of ooze, but the Private didn’t register this at first. He stumbled backwards and fell flat on his back.

“****… the Damn things been gutted… ugh.”

“Jameson, you logging all this?”

“Uh-huh…” he responded halfheartedly, still in shock from all the dead Klorbineans.

hey guys, so once youve read it over, leave a comment and let me know what you think! what do you like? what dont you like? what do you think needs improvement?

[Wam]

I think you need to convey more of what the characters are thinking. You should probably sacrifice some of those lines of dialogue you find extraneous. Take the points in the story you think there is too much dialogue and write it differently so it isn't extraneous talking. You've got a story in your head, true, and it's developed nicely there, but you have to find a point in which to develop the characters, and develop the build-up of the plot.

 

All in all, I like where you're going in terms of story, but it seems the story itself (and characters) could use some development, if at all, some.

 

"The Private turned the corner hesitantly, only to find himself face-to-face with a Klorbinean. It was dead and hanging by its torso from the ceiling by some sort of ooze, but the Private didn’t register this at first. He stumbled backwards and fell flat on his back." This was the height of the story, add more stuff in that explains and less stuff in that talks. This is a good piece of writing.

[MJTOWER]

i completely agree, if only in part. i wanted to make this chapter ore to express the severity of the situation and to create more intensity and well... suspense. the ajority of the characters in this chapter (aside from major drazzo and commander dormian) are seondary background characters, ver soon to be... should i say... killed off. the purpose of this chapter was t introduce a very dangerous and deadly creature before the main characters actually encounter it themselves.

i completely agree, if only in part. i only made this chapter to express the severety of a new creature before it is introduced to any of the main characters. it will kill off most of the characters in this chapter before anything can be made of them. major and comander are important, but the rest are to be decided.

srry for the double post, it glitched badly

 

also, the story is actually very very very in depth in generality. me and my friend have been making it as we go for nearly three years now, and i have been logging it best i could. roleplaying actually helps to build the story, however decreasing the likelyhood of actually building up a characters personality. its better for building the story itself, but bad for character building, so i see what you mean.

[Guts]

Just as Wam said, it would be great if you just developed the characters.

 

One other thing though, Klorbinean. You obviously know what that is but in your story somewhere you'll have to explain what everything is, what it does etc.

 

Other than that, this is pretty good!