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Halo: Cooking Evolved - Chapters


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(Cut Scene Ends)

Cortana: We're cooking it too fast.

 

Female Marine: Damn! Stove-top failure. They set the timer too early. We're losing

her. Brace for burnt fries. dies

 

(way later)

 

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

Cortana (Talking To Everyone in Ship): The enemy has captured Captain Keyes and

are Treating him to Dinner aboard one of their cruisers - The Bnus and Butterfication.

The ship is currently holding position approximately three Chicken Tenders above

the other end of this plateau.

 

Marine: So how do we get inside the restraunt if it's in the air? The Corp issued

me a Saptula, not wings.

 

Sargent: There's a gravity lift that ferries Steak and Wine between the

ship and the surface. That's our ticket in.

 

Cortana : Once we get inside the restraunt I should be able to lock on to the

Meatloaf signal from Captain Keyes' Mouth implants.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

Keyes: (sighs) Cooking here was reckless. You two know better culinary skills than this.

 

Keyes: Thanks...

 

Keyes: Good work, Chief.

 

Marine: That was amazing, sir, you really ate the sh...!

 

Keyes: Stuff it, corporal. Chief.

 

Keyes: Marines, lock and flip your hamburgahs. Let's be ready to Grill.

 

Marines: Yes, sir!

 

Keyes: While the Covenant had us locked up in here I overheard the Sous Chefs

talking about this Donut world. They call it...Onion Ring.

 

Cortana: One moment, sir. Accessing the Covenant BBQ net.

 

Cortana: According to the data in their networks the Onion ring has some kind of deep

religious significance. If I'm analyzing this correctly they believe that Onion Ring

is some kind of Food - one with vast, unimaginable Flavor.

 

Keyes: And it's true. The Covenant kept saying that whoever controls Onion Ring

controls the fate of the Milk Shake.

 

Cortana: Now I see! I have intercepted a number of messages about a Covenant

search team scouting for a Tailgating parking lot. I thought they were looking for the

lot of a restraunt that I damaged during the battle above the Onion ring, but they

must be looking for the Onion Ring's control room.

 

Keyes: That's bad news. If the RIng is a Food and the Covenant start eating

it, they'll fart and wipe out the entire human race. Chief,

Cortana, I have new mission for you. We need to beat the Covenant to Onion Ring's

parking lot. Marines, lets move.

 

Marines: Yes, sir! Okay, sir.

 

Keyes: Chief, you have the Mashed Potatos.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

(End of level cut scene)

 

Cortana: That's it! The fork is moving.

 

Keyes: Everybody, eat up. Let's get stuffed.

 

Cortana: Give me a minute to interface with the fork's controls.

 

Keyes: Ahh, no need. I'll devour this bird myself.

 

Cortana: Captain, Tribal African hunters!

 

Keyes: Hang on.

Kills em with a fork .

(Cut Scene Ends)

 

Cortana: The Covenant believe that what they call the Shopping Cart is

somewhere in this Wal-mart. The Cart is a map room that will lead us

to Onion Ring's control center.

 

Cortana: The Wal-mart has multiple structures and areas. One of them

contains the Onion Ring Batter.

 

Foehammer: We're approaching the Cookout, its gonna be hot. Get set to come out

grillin'. HAMBURGAHS! Flip'em, Marines!

 

(End of Cut Scene)

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

Cortana: Let's get moving. Sporkhammer, here are coordinates and a Recipe

I've worked on.

 

Sporkhammer: Uh, Cortana, these coordinates are on the ground.

 

Cortana: The Covenant did a thorough Well done steak. My analysis shows Onion Ring

has honeycombs cereal which circle the whole Onion.

 

Sporkhammer: I hope your recipe is on the money, Cortana. This Pelican won't sear on a dime.

 

Cortana: Look on the burnt side, Sporkhammer. The last thing the Covenant will

eat is Fried Wings from off the ground.

 

 

The next chapters will be in here from now on

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Cortana (Talking To Everyone in Ship): The enemy has captured Captain Keyes and

are Treating him to Dinner aboard one of their cruisers - The Bnus and Butterfication.

 

What a nice treat for Keyes. Except that name... Raises some Questions and concerns.

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CHAPTER 3

 

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

 

Sporkhammer: This is as much as I can eat.

 

Cortana: Roger that. We'll be able to Smell our way to the Parking lot from

here.

 

Sporkhammer: Good luck. Sporkhammer out.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

 

Cortana: This is it. Onion Ring's Parking Lot.

 

Cortana: That table. Sit there.

 

Master Chief: You Hungry?

 

Cortana: Never been Hungrier! You can't imagine the wealth of Protein; the

Nutrition! So much so fast. Its Delicious!

 

Master Chief: So, what sort of food is it?

 

Cortana: What are you talking about?

 

Master Chief: Let's stay focused. Onion Ring: how do we eat it?

 

Cortana: This Onion ring isn't for you , you Bottomless pit. Its something else.

Something much more potent. The Covenant were right. This Onion ring, its

Foodrunner. Give me a second to take a bite...yes, the Foodrunner built this place,

what they called a Buffet world, in order to-- Wait! No, that doesn't smell good! Oh

those Covenant fools! They must have puked! There must have been signs!

 

Master Chief: Slow down. You're burning one side.

 

Cortana: The Covenant found something sour in this Onion ring; something expired.

And now they have diarhea.

 

Master Chief: Something expired? Where?

 

Cortana: The captain! We've got to stop the captain from taking a bite!

 

Master Chief: Keyes? What do we...?

 

Cortana: The Salisbury Steak cache he's looking for is not really ... We can't let him

eat it!

 

Master Chief: I don't understa...?

 

Cortana: There's no time! Get out of here, find Keyes stop him before it's too

late!

 

(End of level Cut Scene Ends)

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

(Master Chief plays back a video log from a soldier's helmet he finds)

 

Marine: Why do we always have to listen to this old stuff, Sarge?

 

Sergeant: Watch your mouth, son. Gordon Ramsay Audio Cookbook is your history. It should remind you grunts what we're cooking for Dinner.

 

Marine: Hey - if the Covenant want to wipe out Gordan Ramsay

that's fine by me.

 

Marine: Yeah, better him than us.

 

Sergeant: You ask 'em real nice next time you see them, Versente, I'm sure

they'll be happy to oblige.

 

(fast forward)

 

Drop ship pilot: Meatloaf Zone looks clear. I'm bringing us down.

 

Sergeant: Chew! Chew! Chew!

 

Sergeant: Eat faster, Jenkins.

 

Sergeant: Mendoza, gobble it up!

 

(fast forward)

 

Marine: Which is weird right, I mean, look at it. Something scrambled the

eggs.

 

Sarge: What's that Pan searing?

 

Marine: Yeah, I don't know. Maybe there was an accident, you know, kitchen

fire or something.

 

Keyes: What do we have, Sergeant?

 

Sarge: Looks like a Covenant Head Chef team. Badass elite unit's all KIA.

 

Keyes: Real pretty. You gonna eat that?

 

Marine: Nah, you can have it.

[Fast Foward]

Keyes: Right. Well lets get box Dinner open.

 

Marine: I'll try, sir, but it looks like these Covenant worked pretty hard to

hock it down.

 

Keyes: Just OPEN it, son.

 

Marine: Yes, Sir.

 

Marine: I got a Stomach ache over this.

 

Sergeant: Boy, you always got a Stomach ache' from somethin'.

 

Solder: (on radio) Captain, Sarge, can you hear me?

 

Keyes: (over radio) What's going on, Chef?

 

Soldier: (on radio) We've got contact, lots of'em, but they're not Covenant.

There 'er too many! I can't kill this popco-

 

Sergeant: (over radio) Chef? Do you copy over?!

 

Sergeant: Mendoza, get your ass back up to second Cook's position and find out

what the hell they want for lunch.

 

Mendoza: But S...

 

Sergeant: I don't have time for your lip, busboy, I gave you an order!

 

(fast forward)

 

Mendoza: Sarge! Listen!

 

Marine: What is that?

 

Sergeant: Where's that coming from, Mendoza?

 

(Marine screaming in pain.)

 

Marine: Hold still! Hold still!

 

Sergeant: Let 'em have it.

 

Marine: Sergeant, we're surrounded by Popcorn.

 

Sergeant: God dammit, Jenkins! Flip your spatula!

 

 

Marine: There 'er too many, Sarge!

 

Sergeant: Don't even think about it, Line Cook!

 

Mendoza: Oh this is Coco!

 

Keyes: Give that to me, Marine! That's an order.

 

Sergeant: Jenkins!

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

 

Sporkhammer: This is Eggo 419. Chief, is that you? I lost your signal when you

disappeared inside the Parking lot. What's going on down there? I'm tracking gravey all over the place!

 

Marine: Sir, Thank Hamburgah you're here. We've been lost down here for hours.

After we lost contact with the rest of the Cooks w...we headed for the Meatloaf

point and these these-- Giant Popcorn! They ambushed us. We gotta get some butter.

 

Sporkhammer: There's a large tower a few hundred meters from your current

position. Find a way above the gravy canopy and I can move in and

fill you up.

 

(End of level Cut Scene Begins)

 

Monitor: Greetings. I am the monitor of Onion Ring 04. I am 343 Guilty

Spark. Someone has released the Kool Aid Flood. My function is to prevent it from

leaving this Onion Ring, but I require your assistance. Come. This way.

 

Sporkhammer: Chief, I've lost your Meatloaf! Where'd ya go, Chief? Chief?!

 

(End of Cut Scene)

 

 

 

-------------------------

 

CHAPTER 4

 

(Cut Scene Begins)

 

Monitor: We must collect the Rotisserie Chicken before we can activate the Onion Ring.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

(End of level Cut Scene Begins)

 

Monitor: The Broth barrier surrounding the Rotisserie Chicken will deactivate when we reach

The ground floor.

 

Monitor: You may now retrieve the Chicken...

Protocol requires that I Swallow

The Chicken for transport. Your organic form renders you

Vulnerable to digesting it. The Chicken must not fall into the hands of the Kool-Aid Flood

before we reach the Parking Lot room and activate the Onion Ring.

 

Monitor: The Kool-Aid is spreading-- we must hurry!

 

(End of Cut Scene)

 

Monitor: Which means that any organism with sufficient Insulin Needles and Diabetic sustainability is a potential Kool-Aid guzzler.

 

Monitor: Is something wrong?

 

Master Chief: No. Nothing.

 

Monitor: Splenda! Shall we?

 

Monitor: Unfortunately my culinary skills towards this particular meal have come to an

end. Protocol does not allow Boilers with my classification to perform a task as

important as the Reunion of the Chicken with the Tailgate. That final step is

Reserved for you, Head Chef...

(Roaring sound comes from the Parking lot)

Monitor: Odd...That Wasn't supposed to smell like that.

 

 

Cortana: (ORLY)

 

Master Chief: Cortana.

 

Cortana: I've spent the last twelve hours cooped up in here watching Netflix and eating Pop Tarts as you were helping that thing get set to split the bacon.

 

Master Chief: Hold on now. He's a Fellow Chef.

 

Cortana: Oh! I didn't realize. He smells what the Rock is cookin'? Do you have

any idea what that ******* almost made you cook?

 

Master Chief: Yes. Activate Onion Ring's defenses and destroy the Kool-Aid Flood - Which is

why we brought the Rotisserie Chicken to the Tailgate.

 

Cortana: You mean this?

 

Monitor: A Fridge? In the Parking Lot? That is absolutely unacceptable.

 

Cortana: Sod off.

 

Monitor: What impertinence...I shall Sear your mutton at once!

 

Cortana: You sure that's a 5 Star Meal?

 

Monitor: How? How? How dare you?! I'll...

 

Cortana: Do what? I have the Chicken. You can just eat a Ghost pepper.

 

Master Chief: Enough!

 

Master Chief: The Kool-Aid is spreading. If we activate Onion ring's defenses we can

boil them out.

 

Cortana: You have no idea how this Onion ring works, do you? Why the Foodrunners

built it? Onion Ring doesn't kill Kool Aid - it kills their Sugar. Humans, Covenant,

whatever; we're all equally delicious. The only way to stop the Kool Aid is to

unsweeten them to death and that's exactly what Onion Ring is designed to do - wipe the

Milk Shake clean of all sentient meals. You don't believe me? Ask him!

 

Master Chief: Is it true?

 

Monitor: More or less. Technically this Ring's pulse has a maximum

effective temperture of 500 celsius, but once the others

follow suit, this Milk Shake will be quite devoid of Sugar, or any least any Life

with sufficient Diabetes to sustain the Sugar...But you already knew that, I

mean, how couldn't you?

 

Cortana: Left out that little detail, did he?

 

Monitor: We have followed our Kool Aid containment recipe to the letter.

You were with me each step of the way as we managed these Ingredients.

 

Cortana: Chief, I'm picking up a temperture of 212 degrees Farenheit.

 

Monitor: Why would you hesitate to Cook what you have already Served?

 

Cortana: We need to go right now!

 

Monitor: Last time you asked me if it were my choice would I Serve it. Having had

considerable to time to ponder your recipe my answer has not changed. There is

no choice. We must activate the Onion ring.

 

Cortana: Get. me. Something. to eat.

 

Monitor: If you are unwilling to give me a meal I will simply find a Chick-fil-A. Still, I

must have the Rotisserie Chicken. Give your Fridge to me or I will be forced to take it

from you.

 

Master Chief: That's not going to happen.

 

Monitor: So be it. Save his Apron. Dispose of the rest.

 

(Cut Scene Ends)

(End of level Cut Scene Begins)

 

Master Chief: Let's find a ride and get to Captain Georges.

 

Cortana: No. They take too long.

 

Master Chief: You have better Dinner plans?

 

Cortana: There's a Lucky Charm grid that runs throughout Halo. That's how

the Boiler eats his most important meal of the day so quickly. I learned how to tap into the Magically Delicious network when I was in the Parking lot. Unfortunately, each jump requires a rather consequential expenditure of Milk.

 

Master Chief: Something tells me I'm gonna be ready to start the day.

 

Cortana: But I'm pretty sure I can pull it from the Fridge without permanently

wasting anything. Needless to say - I think we should only eat this once.

 

Master Chief: Make me a bowl.

 

(End of Cut Scene)

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